I’m still here

The other night, I felt energized. I felt creative. I felt hopeful. I was excited and everything seemed to buzz just a little. So I published for the first time in literal years and it felt great.

Wouldn’t it be nice if that feeling persisted all the time?

Now, only days later, I’m feeling tired and discouraged. Sure, I am excited about a lot of things and ideas. But I’m not feeling excited about writing here. On one level, I’m surprised. I truly expected to continue feeling excited. On another level, I’m not surprised. And I’m surprised I was surprised.

A few things stand out. One, I got two views on that story and ZERO reads. As I wrote it, I was thinking “if no one reads this, that is okay because this was for me.” In fact, I think I even wrote that. But when it came down to it, and that reality set it, I found myself disappointed. I wasn’t as “strong” as I thought I’d be.

But what if strength is really continuing to do it anyway?

I was wrong. Cool. I learned from that and I can reorient and I’m sure I’ll be wrong again and that’s okay. And I will continue writing on here as an exercise in strength. I might want the reads and the engagement. But I don’t need it. In fact, I’ll probably gain so much more by leaning into this uncomfortable, lonely, disappointing space and saying “this is okay.” I think that doing so shows more strength than if it were easy and fun. At this moment, it’s not fun. But it can be formational.

Another thing stands out: feelings aren’t forever. It took me a long time to learn this and it’s taking an even longer time to put into practice. That feeling of excitement and energy from when I posted before? That’s cool, that’s special, that’s fun. But it isn’t sustainable. And unless that’s acknowledged, disappointment waits around every corner. Not that it’s a one-and-done kind of thing. Acknowledgment isn’t a discrete event. It’s a process that unfolds.

The flipside is that this mindset makes negative feelings so much more bearable. It becomes easier to accept my sadness when I know that I won’t be sad for the rest of my life. The temporary nature of feelings provides hope for a better day, or at least a better moment. And that hope provides strength for the present.

But it’s a process and I’m still learning. I still feel as if whatever I am currently feeling will last for the rest of my life. Upside? The good times feel great. Downside? The bad times feel hopeless. I’m working on grounding myself in reality and acting out of who I want to be and where I want to go, rather than how I’m superficially feeling at any given moment.

In practice, this looks like writing a story for Medium that I know will get five reads if I’m lucky while I’d much rather be sipping Moscato while watching New Girl with my friends.